From the moment this towering novel opens with a colossal intergalactic space battle, taking place at the heart of the Orion Nebula between the TH’uurg and the Grandals, two advanced and totally ruthless alien races, you just know you’re going to be in for a lightspeed ride — and Katie Price doesn’t disappoint. Crystal, her forty-third novel and seventh venture into science fiction, is her best yet.
The tale sees the welcome return of Price’s semi-autobiographical heroine Colonel Jor-Den Tangerine, international super-model, singer, fashion designer, NASA test pilot and secret agent.
Colonel Tangerine is initially irritated to be summonsed away from a vital presentation on shoes she is giving before a gathering of the United Nations in New York. However, when her shadowy controllers at NASA’s Earth Defence League reveal the threat posed to our planet by the ever-expanding war between the TH’uurg and Grandals she leaps into the fray with a vengeance. In spite of the potentially suicidal nature of such a mission, Colonel Jor-Den volunteers to fly out to the Orion Nebula and attempt to appease the warring factions, even though this means risking the life not only of herself but of the giant deformed grape-headed spacker baby she leaves behind. She blasts off from a secret airbase in the Nevada desert in an as yet untested experimental craft, controlled purely by nipple impulses. As US President Pedro Andre tells her “Only your unfeasibly large and veiny orange breasts can fly this ship and save the Earth for democracy!”
I won’t give away too much more of the rest of the plot lest I spoil it for you but needless to say Ms. Price’s heroine does not find her intergalactic rescue mission plain sailing. Thrills and spills abound as she struggles to control her wayward craft on its perilous journey to Orion. Skidding dangerously round black holes, throttling between binary star systems with inches to spare and at one stage almost clipping the rings of Saturn —her NASA training and mammary dexterity are tested to the limits. Likewise, neither the TH’uurg nor the Grandal battle fleets exactly welcome Colonel Tangerine’s arrival in the midst of their conflict and the brave test-pilot finds herself involved in dogfight after dogfight as she battles to impose her brand of intergalactic justice upon the warring factions.
This is a rip-roaring belter of a novel which bears testament to the fact that Katie Price is currently at the height of her literary powers. I wholeheartedly recommend it both to fans of epic science fiction and vacuuous shoe-related conversationalists alike.