Review: Crystal

crystalcoverwesternInto the blood-stained streets of Diddy Royder, Arkansas in the American Wild West of the 1850s rides a mysterious orange stranger astride a jet black steed. But this ain’t no ordinary traveller moseying into town. This is Diddy Royder’s new sheriff, Jordenia Tangerina and things are about to get a might bloodier round these parts.

Miss Tangerina ain’t your average sheriff. For a start, this lawman is a woman; a pretty, intelligent lady from the foothills of Nebraska, armed with a pair of high-heeled six-guns and the kind of breasts that would make a mule weep. She’s come to Diddy Royder to pacify the town –even if that means going up against the notorious Andre Boys, the meanest orneriest family this side of the Appalachian mountains.

Sheriff Tangerina may be outnumbered by the Andres five to one, but she’s quicker on the draw than a rattlesnake in a snuff box and she’s determined to make the town of Diddy Royder a safe place to bring up her son, a spacker grape-headed half-breed she done gave birth to out on the prairie, after being cruelly used by a band of renegade Spit-Roast Indians.

I won’t give away too much more of the plot, lest I spoil it for you, but you can rest assured that before Sheriff Tangerina hands in her badge and hangs up her reinforced brassiere in the final chapters, the streets of Diddy Royder will be soaked in blood and the stench of cordite will hang heavy in the air.

Katie Price’s prose is slicker’n a bath full of fake tan lotion and the breadth of her vision is wider’n a grossly over-distended breast with all varicose veins round the end. This book will appeal to true fans of the traditional blood’n’gore western everywhere, and I wholeheartedly recommend it.

RATING: 5 Stars

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