Review: Crystal

crystalcoverschoolIn this, her eighteenth novel, Katie Price tells the harrowing story of crippled young orphan girl Jo Arden and her dreams of becoming a famous writer. Suffering from a rare childhood medical condition which causes one breast to grow larger than the other, Jo Arden is forced to wear a ‘blocker bra’ to school and is subjected to merciless bullying by the other pupils. After one such incident, where she is marked for life by being daubed in indelible orange paint and has cutting remarks made about the practicality of wearing high-heels to play netball, young Jo seeks refuge in the girls’ toilets. Here she is discovered by kindly English teacher Prof. Saville, who is carrying out a routine check.

Saville puts a comforting arm around Jo’s shoulder and leads her away to the refuge of his secret Stationery Cupboard Zoo, where he calms the girl down by allowing her to milk a cow in the dark. He also speaks kindly to Jo, praising her beauty and assuring her that she is a good girl and a pretty one –with his voice all going up at the end. Inspired by the kindly old gent’s actions and words of encouragement, Jo Arden drys her eyes, wipes her hands clean and resolves to turn her life around.

What follows is an uplifting tale of the power of love and the indomitability of the human spirit. Prof. Saville becomes more than an English teacher and develops into somewhat of a father figure to the lonely young girl. He encourages her to enter writing competitions and also to compose poetry. In return she helps him regularly in his Stationery Cupboard Zoo, milking for all she is worth in the comforting darkness.

At first, success is elusive but, after several disappointments,  young Jo wins a ‘composition’ prize, organised by the local church. A feat which, for the first time, wins her the grudging respect of her schoolmates. In addition, the regular clandestine milkings and constant prose writing are strengthening and transforming her crippled young body; her withered breast begins to swell and swell until soon it rivals its brassiere-mate in girth and defiance of gravity. Now, suddenly and much to the dismay of Prof. Saville, all the boys want to help carry her books at break-time –in particular swarthy milk monitor Pierre Andre.

I won’t give away too much more of the rest of the plot, for fear it will spoil your enjoyment of the book. However I highly recommend this title. Katie Price has shown us once again the power she can command with mere words and her box of crayons and the world of literature is the richer for it. I unreservedly recommend this book.

RATING:  5 Stars

Review: Crystal

crystalcovervictorianIn this expansive bodice-ripper, Katie Price leads us once again through the streets of Victorian London, where we renew our acquaintanceship with her feisty heroine Lady Orangie, erstwhile custodian of Joredine House –now reduced to penury and forced to rent out her oddly textured amber breasts as common playthings for the amusement of Lord Andre, her evil nemesis from the earlier books in the series.

Lady Orangie may be down but she’s certainly not out and, unbeknownst to wicked Lord Andre, she is secretly working toward the day when she will return once more to her ancestral home. In spite of the unfortunate hand fate has dealt her, Lady Orangie retains her essential purity and goodness and she conceives of a plan whereby she will inaugurate a charitable foundation, dedicated to the establishment of a great asylum at her beloved Jordine House. The proposed asylum will be devoted to the care of London’s wretched ‘Grape-Heads’ — an unfortunate class of cranially-deformed children, born of and abandoned by their gin-sodden mothers, or sold into misery in the notorious ‘Spacker Circuses’, detestable freak shows with which the city is plagued.

In order to achieve this laudable aim and raise the necessary funds, Lady Orangie must first plumb new depths of hardship and humiliation —allowing her innocent young body to be used as little more than a tangerine-coloured spunk bucket by a succession of Lord Andre’s unsavoury friends; association footballers from the Woolwich Arsenal, rank-smelling prize fighters, and music-hall performers of ill-repute —whilst Lord Andre himself produces a series of commemorative daguerreotypes of each acrobatic unpleasantness. However, unbeknownst to the abhorrent Lord, it will be through clandestinely selling these self-same disreputable ‘likenesses’, in the run down gin-palaces of the East End, that Lady Orangie intends to finance her noble dream and her return to polite society.

It is a sign of the power of Ms. Price’s writing that her frank descriptions of these depraved events moved me to tears many times and, on one occasion, caused me to be violently sick into my tobacco pouch. The very notion of the delicate saintly figure of Lady Orangie, still adhesive and unkempt from her undesired exertions, plying these foul images to assorted sailors, soldiers and ruffians of every sordid class, with her sorrowful cry of “Three for a penny. You can see it going in!” is of such pathos that it leaves one in awe of Ms. Price’s mastery of the language.

I long to tell you more about this towering work and to share with you the sheer joy with which one simply wills Lady Orangie onwards as she strives to regain possession of her birth-right, struggles to create a safe and loving sanctuary for the unfortunate Grape-Heads and (most satisfying of all!) conspires to frustrate the knavish plans of Lord Andre. However I am loath to mar your enjoyment of this spell-binding tale by ‘giving too much away’. Suffice it to say that if you only purchase one novel in your entire life-time, this should be the one. I simply can’t speak of it highly enough.

RATING: 5 Stars

Review: Crystal

crystalcoverwesternInto the blood-stained streets of Diddy Royder, Arkansas in the American Wild West of the 1850s rides a mysterious orange stranger astride a jet black steed. But this ain’t no ordinary traveller moseying into town. This is Diddy Royder’s new sheriff, Jordenia Tangerina and things are about to get a might bloodier round these parts.

Miss Tangerina ain’t your average sheriff. For a start, this lawman is a woman; a pretty, intelligent lady from the foothills of Nebraska, armed with a pair of high-heeled six-guns and the kind of breasts that would make a mule weep. She’s come to Diddy Royder to pacify the town –even if that means going up against the notorious Andre Boys, the meanest orneriest family this side of the Appalachian mountains.

Sheriff Tangerina may be outnumbered by the Andres five to one, but she’s quicker on the draw than a rattlesnake in a snuff box and she’s determined to make the town of Diddy Royder a safe place to bring up her son, a spacker grape-headed half-breed she done gave birth to out on the prairie, after being cruelly used by a band of renegade Spit-Roast Indians.

I won’t give away too much more of the plot, lest I spoil it for you, but you can rest assured that before Sheriff Tangerina hands in her badge and hangs up her reinforced brassiere in the final chapters, the streets of Diddy Royder will be soaked in blood and the stench of cordite will hang heavy in the air.

Katie Price’s prose is slicker’n a bath full of fake tan lotion and the breadth of her vision is wider’n a grossly over-distended breast with all varicose veins round the end. This book will appeal to true fans of the traditional blood’n’gore western everywhere, and I wholeheartedly recommend it.

RATING: 5 Stars

Review: Crystal

crystalcoverwarAutumn 1943 and Nazi scientists hatch a fiendish plot to bring Britain to its knees and secure German victory in the Second World War:

Under cover of darkness, hundreds of elite SS paratroopers are dropped into remote English villages where they poison the water supplies with a deadly experimental vaccine which causes expectant mothers to give birth to babies with giant spacker grape-like heads and the eyes too far apart.

Amongst those afflicted is pretty young factory girl Jo Orden, whose own new-born baby falls victim to the evil Nazi plague. Vowing revenge, Miss Orden reluctantly walks out on her essential war-work on the High-Heeled Combat Boot production lines and travels to London where, using her intellect and feminine wiles, she talks her way into an emergency cabinet meeting called to discuss the crisis –and offers her help. At first the British Top Brass are sceptical. What can one plucky young girl, armed only with wit, cunning and an encyclopaedic knowledge of shoes do against the might of the Third Reich? However, Jo Orden begs them to give her a chance and soon an audacious plan is hatched –no less than the assassination of Adolf Hitler himself!

At a top secret research facility in Hampshire, Jo Orden has her skin coated in an experimental new flourescent orange paint intended to confuse the Germans’ air defence radar and twenty pounds of high explosive are surgically implanted into each breast so she can blast her way into the Fuhrer’s bunker. The garrotting wire with which she will carry out the assassination itself is also sewn into her breasts, just under the skin, disguised as all veins round her big stretched nipples.

On a chilly, misty night in late September, Miss Orden is dropped by parachute into remote countryside some distance from Berlin. All that remains for the young heroine to do now is make her way into the very heart of the evil Nazi empire, break into one of the most secure compounds on the planet and assassinate the most evil man the world has ever seen –a man protected by a private army of ruthless fanatical and totally loyal killers!

I won’t give away any more of the plot for fear of spoiling your enjoyment but suffice to say this is an absolute blitzkrieg-nebuliser of a book. Katie Price has got to be one of the best writers of our time, if not of all time, and in Crystal –her seventy-third novel and second foray into Second World War fiction, she pulls out all the stops. The thrills and excitement come so fast and furious and so relentlessly that one is left literally exhausted by the time one turns the final page. Highly recommended!

RATING: 5 Stars

Review: Crystal

crystalcoverspaceFrom the moment this towering novel opens with a colossal intergalactic space battle, taking place at the heart of the Orion Nebula between the TH’uurg and the Grandals, two advanced and totally ruthless alien races, you just know you’re going to be in for a lightspeed ride — and Katie Price doesn’t disappoint. Crystal, her forty-third novel and seventh venture into science fiction, is her best yet.

The tale sees the welcome return of Price’s semi-autobiographical heroine Colonel Jor-Den Tangerine, international super-model, singer, fashion designer, NASA test pilot and secret agent.

Colonel Tangerine is initially irritated to be summonsed away from a vital presentation on shoes she is giving before a gathering of the United Nations in New York. However, when her shadowy controllers at NASA’s Earth Defence League reveal the threat posed to our planet by the ever-expanding war between the TH’uurg and Grandals she leaps into the fray with a vengeance. In spite of the potentially suicidal nature of such a mission, Colonel Jor-Den volunteers to fly out to the Orion Nebula and attempt to appease the warring factions, even though this means risking the life not only of herself but of the giant deformed grape-headed spacker baby she leaves behind. She blasts off from a secret airbase in the Nevada desert in an as yet untested experimental craft, controlled purely by nipple impulses. As US President Pedro Andre tells her “Only your unfeasibly large and veiny orange breasts can fly this ship and save the Earth for democracy!”

I won’t give away too much more of the rest of the plot lest I spoil it for you but needless to say Ms. Price’s heroine does not find her intergalactic rescue mission plain sailing. Thrills and spills abound as she struggles to control her wayward craft on its perilous journey to Orion. Skidding dangerously round black holes, throttling between binary star systems with inches to spare and at one stage almost clipping the rings of Saturn —her NASA training and mammary dexterity are tested to the limits. Likewise, neither the TH’uurg nor the Grandal battle fleets exactly welcome Colonel Tangerine’s arrival in the midst of their conflict and the brave test-pilot finds herself involved in dogfight after dogfight as she battles to impose her brand of intergalactic justice upon the warring factions.

This is a rip-roaring belter of a novel which bears testament to the fact that Katie Price is currently at the height of her literary powers. I wholeheartedly recommend it both to fans of epic science fiction and vacuuous shoe-related conversationalists alike.

RATING:  5 Stars